Having now participated in the Basic, Masters, Trainers. and Addictions courses offered by Dr. Will Horton and the National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Psychology one would think it might time for me to tire of this subject. Yet, even with this amount of training NLP promises to have a great deal more to offer. NLP can be used in a wide variety of situations not the least of which is my teaching and counseling practice.

It appears that the ability to use NLP in most life situations is readily apparent. The skills and techniques are obviously and easily grasped by novice and professional alike. This ability hit home with me right away. You see, my wife and I had been having one of our discussions. The discussion typically went something like this:           

Wife: "Will you be spending all day at the office?"           

Me: 'Yes, I have to get caught up on all of the paperwork I did not complete during the week. I'll probably be home around 4:00 p.m.           

Wife: "You know I would like you to spend more time with me. I feel like you are married more to your work than you are to me."           

Me: "I know, I know. Let me get caught up and we'll go to a movie or something."

My wife and I both know that I never get caught up. We do get to see a movie here and there but it's never enough time for either of us to feel satisfied. The truth is that I would like to spend more time with her too.

While doing the paperwork in my office I thought about mirroring and pacing for rapport building. I had just specifically learned the NLP technique. I had heard of rapport a great deal in graduate school but had never really been shown specific techniques as I did in the NLP Basic Practitioners class. What if I tried these newfound skills with my wife when I got home. - - would they work? Should I be as obvious as Dr. Horton suggested?

I got home later than I had planned so the tension was in the air as we ate dinner together. I started taking bites of my food when my wife did. I drank from my glass when she did. I wiped my mouth with a napkin as she did so at the some time. I was nervous that she would 'catch' me. She did not.

In fact, she began a conversation and I made the same arm and head movements that she made. I leaned in when she did. I backed away when she backed away. She became more animated and I did the same in response. Our conversation reached, what seemed to me, a fevered pitch. My wife never missed a beat and later told me that she had felt more connected to me than any time in recent memory.

I have continued to use the rapport building techniques and have noticed that our time together seems to be of higher quality. We have not had MORE time together, as my wife had originally wished, but the time we do have is time of connecting and reconnecting. She seems happier and Lord knows I am too.

And the happiness, it seems to me, comes from the two of us communicating at a higher level than we have previously known. It is a loop, if you will, of feeding upon one another as I mirror and pace with techniques I learned through NLP.

Is this manipulative? You are damn right it is. I have used these skills to help someone feel more connected, more safe, and heard more clearly. I am proud to have used these manipulative skills to improve my marriage. My only regret is that I did not learn the sooner.

As a matter of fact, I have just begun to readNLP and Relationships: Simple Strategies to Make Your Relationships Work by Robin Prior and Joseph O'Conner (Thorsons, 2000). I figure if NLP can assist me and my wife this much merely with rapport building skills, I can find out what other things might be useful for us as a couple.

Does my wife know what I am doing? No. Will I tell her what I am doing? Probably not. However, I know that the more I use these techniques. the more my wife feels that she has her husband back. You'll not see me stopping the use of my newfound NLP skills anytime soon.

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