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In this Issue:

Reality(?) Shows, Weight Gain and Family Issues, and the Boundary Technique.

Captains Chair:

In the spirit of Christmas I believe in the dignity of the human spirit, the divine nature in all of us. As my favorite movies of the season: Its a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th St., White Christmas, and even A Nightmare Before Christmas, all show people can and do reach beyond themselves.

Now onto my rant . . .

Recently I gave some thought to why I really dislike those Reality Shows like Survivor, Amazing Race, the Bachelor and such. What started this process was a TV show about an outbreak of a disease in a hospital. (It was ER, I think.) This show showed the worst in human behavior. Over reacting, total self-absorption and disregard for others, and plane meanness. I remember watching it and thinking that people really do not react that way when faced with trauma. I know that some have said these shows actually show true human behavior and interpersonal interactions. I would argue this is as far from the truth as most Hollywood ideas. (Pretty Woman and the hooker with a heart of gold who marries a millionaire, oh yea, that rings true).

The idea that when faced with crisis and trauma, people will become animalistic and disregard others for survival, goes back to Freud. These outmoded ideas are still around in Psychology and Hollywood to this day. This is not to say that there are those who will resort to this behavior, but I would push that these are psychopathic types to start with.

Here are some arguments contrary to the survival idea:

My friend, Chaplain Paul Durbin, (General US ARMY Ret) often quotes the work of Victor Frankel. When faced with the ultimate in human misery, concentration camps, and sure death, people reacted in ways opposite to the survival belief. People would willingly give food to others, even when they were starving. They would help each other even though it meant punishment and even death. The people they helped were often not related, or even known before the horrible events. Victor Frankel came to believe that most people would help one another, even at great costs to themselves.

I have had the true pleasure to speak to survivors of the Holocaust and heard their stories of sacrifice and courage. One even told the story of how one prisoner volunteered when the camp operators were going to execute someone for a rule infraction, this person stepped up to save the life of someone else. Why? Courage, belief in something greater than you're own survival, and true human integrity.

I have also had the honor and privilege of speaking at depth with POW's. I have also read accounts of their sacrifices in the face of danger. The helping of others at great cost to their own survival, the idea that “duty, honor, and country,” and again a belief in something greater than yourself, will help you in times of great crisis.

Finally, I point to the events of September 11, 2001. The stories of people stopping to help others in the race down the stairs of a burning building were common. People offering shelter along the way, stores giving away water and food. (Yes, I know there was some bad behavior, but again I think these types were antisocial to say the least, psychopathic probably.) We have all been made painfully aware of the fireman, police, and emergency workers who gave the ultimate sacrifice to try to help others.

Lastly, remember the actions on the plane over the fields of Pennsylvania. They took courageous actions even in the face of terrorists with box cutters.

I firmly believe that people respond in a positive way to trauma, if allowed to. This is why I dislike those "Reality" shows. It teaches people the wrong behavior to model in time of trauma. Also, one must bear in mind, that during these shows, someone is always behind the scenes setting up the conflict, and instigating trouble. They get ratings by bringing out the worst in people, not the best!

We need heroes, and people have that capacity, if we give them those models. Any person who has served in the military will tell you about teamwork, and helping your fellow solider, sailor, or marine. Sacrifice is taught. You never leave a team member behind. I think that the writers of those shows, and those who believe in the Freudian survival idea, must not believe in the dignity of the human spirit and its natural tendency to reach out to help others. At heart I am an Optimist and believer. (To our international friends: all cultures have stories of sacrifice and courage in times of trauma.)

From the Road:

Next month I am in several cities doing public weight/smoking seminars, all NFNLP, NGH, IACT, and IMDHA members are invited to attend. Cities include Chicago, IL; Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Albany, NY; Grand Rapids, MI; Cleveland, OH; and Milwaukee, WI.

Also In February I will be at the Solid Gold weekend in Las Vegas, NV, sponsored by the NGH. I will be teaching some new SPORTS SPECIALIZATION TECHNIQUES.

Theory into Practice:

When I am doing a seminar on weight loss, I often comment that although people with weight issues usually eat when they are emotional, they eat far more for the negative states (anger, depression, boredom, & feeling alone) than when they are happy. Most people would agree with this.

This caused me to wonder, why do people gain weight during the holidays, when "happiness" is the goal of the season?

The first thing I thought of is some research that stated that happily married women gained an average of 13.4 pounds during 13 years of marriage, while unhappily married women gained 42.6 pounds in 13 years. (Stuart & Davis 1987). Food can be used to replace the other fulfilling aspects of a relationship.

Other issues can also come into play. The first is that men can eat more calories and maintain weight, so accommodating a spouse's food intake and preferences can lead to weight gain.

Another is the idea of not wasting food, so one is lead to finish off extras. Couple this with extra carbohydrate loaded holiday fare and the reduced exercise routine due to travel & family commitments, weight gain is the result. (More on this and boundaries later.)

The last two issues can bring up strong reactions in a weight loss client.

1) Sexual issues may also come into play. A study by Felitti (1993) found that some patients (35%) indicated that being overweight decreased their husband's jealousy, or reduced their own fear of having an affair. Tedesco & Schiebel, 1976, found that after intestinal bypass surrey and substantial weight loss, a majority reported an increase in sexuality activity, while another study, Neil, Marshall & Yale (1978) found that husbands may become anxious and jealous by their wife's weight loss. These types of issues can come to front during the holiday season.

2) Being with family can bring up very strong negative reactions. People may not like being around certain (or any) family members due to issues from childhood, and this leads one to "stuff" down these states. One may also not want to express one's true feelings in a family situation, so one may eat instead.

A person may not have good boundaries and not feel he/she has a right to say "NO THANK YOU" to food, or even an invitation to something.

Also, some family members use the old stand by - GUILT - in very obvious ways. An example of this is: "I made this just for you, so eat it all." They disregard the fact (which they know of) that you are working at losing weight/changing your eating behavior. "If you do not eat this, I guess it means you don't love me." Sound familiar?

Next month, more on family/marriage/sex issues in weight loss.

Reference: "Emotional Eating: What you need to know before Starting another Diet" Edward Abramson, Ph.D. Jossey-bass 1998.

Techniques and Tips:

Setting boundaries for weight loss.

1. Have the person describe the boundary issues that they need to strengthen. This may take some time, as the issues can be complex.

2. Have the person go inside and relax, (use your favorite trance technique)

3. Have the person spend some time with the Younger self that never learned the idea of healthy boundaries. Have this younger self-relearn from the current more knowledgeable self-the idea of healthy boundaries.

4. Give that younger you all the care, love and nurturing that they need.

5. Teach that younger you how to throw up a shield of defense, such as a white light of love, a barrier between them and others.

6. Give the younger you the PERMISSION to say NO. Let that you know it does not mean lack of respect or love. It is Self-Respect and Love in its best form.

7. Teach the younger you to let the negative feeling from others bounce off the barrier.

8. Release all the learning from the past and replace them with the new more updated information.

9. Thank the younger you for the help.

10. Have the person imagine several situations where this will happen: Family gatherings, parties, happenings at work, events in the marriage. (Here is where you add what you need from working with the client, and gathering information)

11. Lock in the new responses.

12. Give a future clue for the responses to surface. (Mothers voice saying "You don't love me, etc.)

Till Next time all the Best!

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