Issue: Judi would like to marry her live-in boyfriend but is too afraid that the relationship may end in divorce. Al would like to get married and has asked Judi. Judi continues to come up with excuses for Al, but does not want him to leave.

In my initial conversations with Judi, she states that she really loves Al and eventually wants to marry him. The biggest reason why Judi states she does not want to marry Al is because she has a belief that the marriage “could” end in divorce like her first marriage.

In listening to Judi discuss her reason for not wanting to marry; overall she consistently speaks using the “away” metaprogram. She is obviously afraid of the pain of divorce, the costs, the social stigmas, as well as sending the message to herself that something is “wrong” with her. Thus, initially she clearly indicates that the financial metaprogram (cost), decision-making metaprogram (others) and the decision rules metaprograms (values) come into play.

As I dissect our conversation a little further, I can see that she is a slight mismatcher by always offering up opposite solutions until she is challenged further. Judi seems to be convinced by specific details, though she really enjoys stories and examples.

She consistently speaks about her first marriage as a reason not to be married in the future. As Judi continues to speak, I gather that she makes decisions based on the past but is always trying to make decisions for her children’s future (nice double bind for me!).

Her frame of reference is consistently in the external when it comes to making a decision regarding marriage. She speaks about the values of her church as a motivator to do what is right even though she is living with a man unwed. She also speaks of her parents who want Judi to make the right decision for her daughters.

When it comes to security and stability (risk), she is somewhat stuck here due to the fact that even though she wants security and stability from Al as a husband/man and as a provider for her family, she consistently focuses on divorce to upend her sense of security. Talk about two opposing rules!

Judi’s emotions run her entire life. Her emotions are driven by the meaning she assigns to certain behaviors that go against or for her main values of “family, spirituality, and relationships”. For the most part, she is somewhat general in her focus. Overall, she is a very positive individual who can connect with anyone, anytime, and anywhere.

In one of the first meetings with Judi, she specifically asks me to help her make a decision. I tell her to “send the guy packing!” to mis-match her and break up her pattern a bit. She laughs and says, “no, but I love him”. After reviewing my notes a bit, there are several competing rules and values here. Her metaprograms also seem to conflict. I review with her in general how she processes her decision-making and give her insight as to how she has been trying to make this decision to no avail. Judi is amazed and didn’t realize how she had been fighting herself the entire time.

I ask her simply, “What is the most important value you have that will supersede all other values in making a decision to marry or not marry Al?” She tells me, “I just don’t want to be alone.” In my mind, I’m thinking, “then why don’t you marry him?” Instead of saying what I’m thinking I ask, “What’s the second most important value?” Judi replies, “My family and God looking down on me.”

It becomes apparent to both of us how being alone and letting down her higher power and her parents are at the heart of her inability to make a decision. How can she not be alone AND at the same time not disappoint others?

At this point, Judi breaks down into tears. I allow her sometime to feel her pain. I ask her, “What would your parents say to you if you told them the conflict you’re in?” Judi replies, “They would probably say that they’re disappointed in me in the first place for getting a divorce.” Of course, I push Judi to ask her parents the question and to find a quiet time to ask God the same question.

Upon asking her parents the question about whether or not they believe she would be going against the family’s values of getting remarried, Judi’s parents respond quite frankly, “We just want you to make a decision for you to be happy and to ensure that Al is going to be a good father and husband to your two girls.”

Judi subsequently tells me that she and her parents discussed how she had always tried to be a “good” daughter in order to not disappoint her parents and frankly so that they would always approve of her, really meaning that they would always love her. I reinforce this point by saying, “It is true then that some of these values and rules, you made up in your head. Thus, telling yourself that if you don’t do what your parents believe, then they won’t love you.” I ask, “So what does knowing this mean to you now?” Judi responds, “My parents just want me to live my life the way I see fit and to make decisions based on what is right for me.” I reinforce this revelation by telling Judi that her parents will support her in every decision that she makes and will always love her. Therefore, she can make her decision to marry knowing her parents will support her.

Our discussion continues and focuses on her higher power and whether or not God will support her in the decision to marry. Judi jumps ahead and says that, “When I ask God whether or not I should marry, the thought of being forgiven first popped into my head. Meaning, if I ask him for forgiveness for getting a divorce, maybe he will give his blessings for this new marriage.”

I nod in agreement. However, I don’t think it’s that easy. Using the other metaprograms, I suggest to Judi to put a plan together to ensure that God would forgive her AND she make a committed decision to marry by preparing for life long marriage. I do this by drawing out a plan on a sheet of paper using her metaprograms.

The sheet of paper has the following headings:
1. What values should Al and I’s marriage be founded on?
2. What specific values should we as parents pass on to our children?
3. What would you need to see or feel in your life so that you know God understands, forgives, and blesses your new marriage?
4. Who else could provide me with the support, love, and tools to have an outstanding marriage this time around? What would they say? What tools could they suggest?
5. In the past, what other decisions have you made that did not turn out right, but you learned from?
6. What would it cost my children, Al and myself if we did not adequately prepare for this marriage before actually agreeing to marry?

I ask her to answer each question by our next appointment. When she comes back in, all her answers are filled in and I ask her to review each answer with me. I specifically focus on the question three. Judi tells me that she already sees His forgiveness by bringing in another man into her life that loves her and that loves her children. She also tells me that her parents and Al get along great.

I reinforce this by telling Judi that every time she looks around, she can always see the beautiful children God has given her, the huge house He has provided her and her family, and she can also see her parents always being around for her. I then ask her, “How does it feel when she sees all of this in her life? When she makes a decision to be happy based on who she really is?

She responds with delight. And so I ask her, “I’m curious, with all the support you need behind you now, with all of your questions answered, with a solid plan now in place for the type of relationship you really want, will you make the decision now or within 24 hours?” Judi responds, “I made my decision after I answered the last question on the sheet of paper. I’m going to tell Al he has the green light!”

Truly, this was the easiest intervention I’ve probably had. There was really little need for any of the other advanced NLP techniques outside of showing Judi how she made her decisions and how she had two competing “rules/values/metaprograms” working against each other. It does prove that not everything is so difficult and as complexed as we make them out to be. However, if I never knew what metaprograms to listen to, I may not have been as successful!

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